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Sunday, November 29, 2015

That thing called insecurity

Why do some people seem to have it all? They're smart. They're talented. They're kind. They're pretty. 

I know it's wrong to compare myself with others. I know it's wrong to use others as a barometer for self worth. I know I shouldn't be competing with others (and I'm not). But you know that feeling? That when you're finally comfortable in your own skin and confident with your abilities, you'll meet (or know about) that one person who will shatter your self-esteem and make you feel so small. 

That person will become insecurity personified. He or she will be the epitome of awesome/cool/great/whatever. And you'll never be at par with him or her no matter how hard you try. 

I feel that way almost 90 percent of the time. Anxiety attacks make it worse. When insecurity and anxiety join hands, they eat me alive. They eat my soul. It's debilitating. And sometimes, I wonder how can one person cause this much anxiety and insecurity, especially when that person doesn't even know me. 

It's easy to say that I should change my attitude towards this whole insecurity thing. That I should just focus on myself and stop comparing myself with others. Believe me, I've tried all these. But then again, when I finally feel great, insecurity comes back and haunts me. 

I don't know how to compensate for this, or should I even compensate at all. I have skills that I'm proud of. But even so, I still feel small like I don't matter. 

When I've tried everything to make myself feel better but insecurity still holds me down, I just stay still. Fighting it will be futile. I just let its weight sit on my shoulders and I retreat to my bubble. This bubble may be imaginary, but it's where I feel safe. I stay in my bubble, and hope that the next day, I won't feel so down anymore. With fingers crossed, I continue to hope. 

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