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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A compartmentalized mind

Part of being kind to myself, per doctor's orders, is dividing my mind into different sectors. It's just like making a to-do list, only this time, I'm listing down the different aspects that make me me. The movie Inside Out illustrated it well in Riley's different islands of personality. I just don't call it such. I call it my compartmentalized mind. 

These are the compartments: Me, Myself, and I; Work; Romantic Relationship; Family; Choir/Extra Activities; and Friends. When I'm in a slump, like how I've been in the past two weeks until now, I can't attend to all these compartments. I have to shut down some, sad to say. And I did shut down the latter three. 

Don't get me wrong. I didn't set my family aside. By shutting the Family Compartment down, I set aside home matters. I didn't want to worry about stuff at home. Having moved out is a good thing because I can focus on myself, my meals, my rent, my own survival. I just can't deal with additional matters right now. 

Shutting down the Choir Compartment saddens and pains me, but I had to do it. I'm not 100 percent okay to sing. They're giving their all, and it's unfair to sing with them if I can't do the same. I'm also beset with anxiety and fear, and I'm scared to move around the city. I'm scared to commute alone. My current state doesn't allow me to go to any place that will take me an least an hour to get to (and in Metro Manila, it's practically every city). I stay within the vicinity of my office and my boarding house. My boyfriend had to pick me up when we went out last weekend. 

My Friends Compartment is, should I say, filtered. I talk to just a few friends--the ones who I know will understand me perfectly. The ones who will not judge and who will not utter unsolicited pieces of advice on things they don't completely understand. And I'm thankful for having friends who always have my back no matter how irrational I sound. 

My psychiatrist said that when I'm in a dip, I'm like a gadget functioning on 50 percent battery, so I don't need to push it. I don't have to attend to everything all at once, and it's perfectly okay. Hence, I created my compartmentalized mind. Having one makes things less overwhelming. I don't know until when I will be in this dip. I'm doing my best to get out of it, believe me. But while I'm still here, perhaps the best thing I could do is function while some of my compartments are turned off. 

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