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Thursday, April 20, 2017

An active mind

My mind is jumping from one task to another. Not just today. I can't point out exactly when it started, but lately, I've been experiencing it every day. I had experienced this before, when I still wasn't seeking treatment. It alternates with my depressive episodes. Now that my depressive episodes are no longer that often, this state is what I am in.

I am afraid that I am experiencing a manic or a hypomanic episode. But I am afraid of reporting it to Dr. G on my next visit, because she might bring my dosage of Quetiapine back to 300mg. I cannot afford the full dosage anymore, especially now that my fiance and I are getting married in December and I am allotting cash for wedding preparations. I also don't want to go back to that knock-out dosage, because it makes it difficult for me to get up in the morning.

I am trying to rein in my thoughts so I can concentrate on one task at a time. It's the only way I can deal with it. My mind is doing cartwheels as I type this, and if I allow my mind to continuously do so, I might not finish any task today.

This is not to say that being in this kind of state is bad all the time. In fact, on good days (what I call the days when I am not spiraling into depression), I become creative. Once, I was able to write a song for Dr. C and Dr. P (my and my fiance's friends who are getting married next year) effortlessly. The melody and lyrics just started forming in my head, and I just went with the flow.

On a day like this one, when my mind is in overdrive, I watch my behavior. I don't want to do things on an impulse and spend all my money on impromptu shopping sprees or worse, engage in high-risk activities driven by a temporary high. I don't know if this is right, but I like this state. I feel that it is 100 times better than being down and depressed and insecure and feeling worthless. On a day like this one, I feel good--even great, at times. And if it drives me to create beautiful things (like the song I talked about), then I will take full advantage of it.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Good news

I am happy to announce that I am being weaned off my medicines. Last January, Dr. G reduced my dosage of Lamotrigine (anticonvulsant) to 100mg from 150mg, and retained the rest. This morning, when I saw her again, she lowered my dosage of Quetiapine (antipsychotic) to 150mg from 300mg.

I am elated and thankful at the same time. At the start of this year, I set a goal for myself--that I want at least one of my three medicines to be taken off completely. With the way things are going, perhaps I would be left with only one medicine to take.

It helped that a lot of good things happened to me ever since the year started. I found a new job. I already finished the first draft of my novel. I am working on another book project with a fellow writer. And the biggest news of all: My boyfriend and I are already getting married! Hooray! I have waited, at times quite impatiently, for the moment when he would propose. And he finally did! He asked me to marry him during our Baguio trip two weeks ago. I said yes, and ever since that moment, it has been all sunshine and no gray clouds for me.

Now, I am busy with wedding preparations. My sister and my cousins are helping me out. I have already booked the church, the priest (who happens to be my uncle), a makeup artist, a photographer-videographer, and my designer-friend who will make my wedding dress. My fiance have already bought our wedding rings, too. Everything is falling into place.

I can't believe this is happening. That my dark days are over. Yes, there would still be dark days ahead, but I am now stronger and more equipped in dealing with those. I am now able to evaluate my negative thoughts using all the exercises Dr. G taught me during our sessions. Negative thoughts no longer consume me like they did before. They no longer pull me into a downward spiral. Thoughts of Z no longer put me in a dark place. And besides, the ring is on my finger and not on hers.

With my meds already being tapered little by little, I can now breathe as far as my finances are concerned. I'll be buying fewer tablets, which will be easier on my pocket. I can now set aside more money to cover my share of the wedding expenses. I am also thankful that my relatives, especially my aunts and uncles in the U.S., are willing to help me out should I run short on cash. God really does provide.

Now, I am looking forward to a lot of things, such as our wedding, my novel getting published online (and hopefully in print), finishing the book I am working on with a fellow writer, and other exciting projects. A friend of mine once told me that 2017 is going to be my year. With the way things are going, I believe he is right.