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Thursday, April 20, 2017

An active mind

My mind is jumping from one task to another. Not just today. I can't point out exactly when it started, but lately, I've been experiencing it every day. I had experienced this before, when I still wasn't seeking treatment. It alternates with my depressive episodes. Now that my depressive episodes are no longer that often, this state is what I am in.

I am afraid that I am experiencing a manic or a hypomanic episode. But I am afraid of reporting it to Dr. G on my next visit, because she might bring my dosage of Quetiapine back to 300mg. I cannot afford the full dosage anymore, especially now that my fiance and I are getting married in December and I am allotting cash for wedding preparations. I also don't want to go back to that knock-out dosage, because it makes it difficult for me to get up in the morning.

I am trying to rein in my thoughts so I can concentrate on one task at a time. It's the only way I can deal with it. My mind is doing cartwheels as I type this, and if I allow my mind to continuously do so, I might not finish any task today.

This is not to say that being in this kind of state is bad all the time. In fact, on good days (what I call the days when I am not spiraling into depression), I become creative. Once, I was able to write a song for Dr. C and Dr. P (my and my fiance's friends who are getting married next year) effortlessly. The melody and lyrics just started forming in my head, and I just went with the flow.

On a day like this one, when my mind is in overdrive, I watch my behavior. I don't want to do things on an impulse and spend all my money on impromptu shopping sprees or worse, engage in high-risk activities driven by a temporary high. I don't know if this is right, but I like this state. I feel that it is 100 times better than being down and depressed and insecure and feeling worthless. On a day like this one, I feel good--even great, at times. And if it drives me to create beautiful things (like the song I talked about), then I will take full advantage of it.

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