That thing called insecurity

Why do some people seem to have it all? They're smart. They're talented. They're kind. They're pretty. 

I know it's wrong to compare myself with others. I know it's wrong to use others as a barometer for self worth. I know I shouldn't be competing with others (and I'm not). But you know that feeling? That when you're finally comfortable in your own skin and confident with your abilities, you'll meet (or know about) that one person who will shatter your self-esteem and make you feel so small. 

That person will become insecurity personified. He or she will be the epitome of awesome/cool/great/whatever. And you'll never be at par with him or her no matter how hard you try. 

I feel that way almost 90 percent of the time. Anxiety attacks make it worse. When insecurity and anxiety join hands, they eat me alive. They eat my soul. It's debilitating. And sometimes, I wonder how can one person cause this much anxiety and insecurity, especially when that person doesn't even know me. 

It's easy to say that I should change my attitude towards this whole insecurity thing. That I should just focus on myself and stop comparing myself with others. Believe me, I've tried all these. But then again, when I finally feel great, insecurity comes back and haunts me. 

I don't know how to compensate for this, or should I even compensate at all. I have skills that I'm proud of. But even so, I still feel small like I don't matter. 

When I've tried everything to make myself feel better but insecurity still holds me down, I just stay still. Fighting it will be futile. I just let its weight sit on my shoulders and I retreat to my bubble. This bubble may be imaginary, but it's where I feel safe. I stay in my bubble, and hope that the next day, I won't feel so down anymore. With fingers crossed, I continue to hope. 

A compartmentalized mind

Part of being kind to myself, per doctor's orders, is dividing my mind into different sectors. It's just like making a to-do list, only this time, I'm listing down the different aspects that make me me. The movie Inside Out illustrated it well in Riley's different islands of personality. I just don't call it such. I call it my compartmentalized mind. 

These are the compartments: Me, Myself, and I; Work; Romantic Relationship; Family; Choir/Extra Activities; and Friends. When I'm in a slump, like how I've been in the past two weeks until now, I can't attend to all these compartments. I have to shut down some, sad to say. And I did shut down the latter three. 

Don't get me wrong. I didn't set my family aside. By shutting the Family Compartment down, I set aside home matters. I didn't want to worry about stuff at home. Having moved out is a good thing because I can focus on myself, my meals, my rent, my own survival. I just can't deal with additional matters right now. 

Shutting down the Choir Compartment saddens and pains me, but I had to do it. I'm not 100 percent okay to sing. They're giving their all, and it's unfair to sing with them if I can't do the same. I'm also beset with anxiety and fear, and I'm scared to move around the city. I'm scared to commute alone. My current state doesn't allow me to go to any place that will take me an least an hour to get to (and in Metro Manila, it's practically every city). I stay within the vicinity of my office and my boarding house. My boyfriend had to pick me up when we went out last weekend. 

My Friends Compartment is, should I say, filtered. I talk to just a few friends--the ones who I know will understand me perfectly. The ones who will not judge and who will not utter unsolicited pieces of advice on things they don't completely understand. And I'm thankful for having friends who always have my back no matter how irrational I sound. 

My psychiatrist said that when I'm in a dip, I'm like a gadget functioning on 50 percent battery, so I don't need to push it. I don't have to attend to everything all at once, and it's perfectly okay. Hence, I created my compartmentalized mind. Having one makes things less overwhelming. I don't know until when I will be in this dip. I'm doing my best to get out of it, believe me. But while I'm still here, perhaps the best thing I could do is function while some of my compartments are turned off. 

The dip

"When you recognize that you're in a dip, be kind to yourself."

This is what my psychiatrist advised me this morning. I went to his clinic for my monthly consultation, which I think was timed perfectly: I was (I am) in a dip. Meaning, I'm having a depressive episode. I've been in one for more than a week already, and it's hell.

Such really is the case for people with bipolar disorder, no matter how mild or how severe the disorder is. My psychiatrist always tell me that in people with bipolar disorder, the part of the brain that regulates mood doesn't function well. Hence, we experience extreme mood shifts. It's like a pendulum that swings from extreme ends. It's like a switch that goes on and off without warning or without cause.

That explains my dip from being okay and stable to being so down. It's as if I'm surrounded by dark, heavy clouds. I remember feeling great at the end of October, the highlights of which are our anniversary concert last October 26 and spending the next weekend at my boyfriend's hometown. After that came the dip. There was no trigger. There was no cause. The switch flicked off by itself, and I was plunged into depression.

Getting out of bed is a battle whenever I'm in a dip. I can work, yes, I can write, but I can do so at a slower pace. I feel weak. I don't have strength for anything. My body just wants to keep still. Even if I want to go elsewhere, I can't go somewhere far because my mind isn't strong and stable enough to bear the commute (and here in Metro Manila, you need a strong mind and body to fight, and I really mean fight, the monsters of commuting).

"Be kind to yourself," my psychiatrist told me this morning. When I'm in a dip, he told me to lower my expectations of myself, because the disorder causes me not to be at my 100 percent. He added that it's okay if I can't do everything at once. I just need to prioritize one and shelve the rest for the following day or week. And that's perfectly okay.

This reminded me of what my friend advised me last week. She told me that we shouldn't feel guilty about how we're feeling, and that it's okay if sometimes, we can't attend to our responsibilities. We're not being irresponsible. Things just become harder when we're in a dip.

Right now, I'm in a dip, and that's okay. No need to fight it and be a superwoman. I just have to do what I can.

Struggles

This moment is one of those when I don't know which is better: bury myself in work or drown myself in tears. I can't even describe how exactly I'm feeling.

One way of putting it is to say that I'm spiraling in and out of a dark place. I've been spiraling in and out of a depressed state, and when I'm out of it, I'm not happy. I'm not filled with joy. Instead, when sadness takes a break from pestering me, fear and anxiety take its place. It's as if I can only juggle these three emotions.

The worse comes when I'm not juggling them, because that means I'm feeling them all at once. I feel sad, scared, and anxious all at once. Do you know how that feels? It's torture. It's eating my soul alive, and I can't move. I have no energy for things I used to do. For things I love. For things I'm passionate about. Heck, I can't even get out of bed.

I lose a part of myself in the process. The things I love are the very things that define me, so when I'm not doing them, it's as if I'm not me. It's not me to just hide from my responsibilities. It's not me to be away for quite a long time from activities I love. It's not me to do nothing.

And yet, that's all I can do. Nothing. The more I try to fight my inner demon, the more it grows stronger. The more I try to make myself feel better, the more I feel miserable. The more effort I put into getting our of this hole, the deeper I sink into it. It's like quicksand--the more I struggle to get out, the more it pulls me down, until I finally sink and drown.

If I let myself pause and be still, I'm worried about what other people will think of me. They might hate me, despise me. They might not accept me anymore when I become ready to "go back to normal." That when I'm ready to come back, I might not have something I can come back to.

I messaged my friend (who also has the same struggles as I have) earlier, and asked for her help. I shared with her this battle, and she advised me to let go. Just let go and not feel guilty about how I'm feeling right now. Just let go not necessarily to feel better and lighter after. Whether I feel better or not, it doesn't matter. I just have to let go.

And that's what I'm trying to do. Let go. Breathe in, breathe out. I can hear the calm voice of my yoga teacher: "Concentrate on your breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Think of nothing else. Put it aside. Inhale. Exhale." And that's all I can do for now.

Sunday walk

I love walking. For me, it's both exercise and therapy. Whether I'm walking in a park, or in a mall, or along a sidewalk, when done at a leisurely pace, walking is bliss.

It allows me to empty my mind. Of course, I still put my guard up and be cautious. But along with that, I think of nothing else but going forward. I leave all my worries behind and just walk.

Yesterday, as the sun was setting, my boyfriend Paul and I walked along Roxas Boulevard in Manila. The foul smell of Manila Bay notwithstanding (no thanks to garbage thrown into the sea), the walk was enjoyable. The sea breeze blew through my hair as Paul and I exchanged loving glances. We didn't talk much, but our hearts did the speaking.

We walked a distance of almost two kilometers--the equivalent of passing by two train stations on foot. We reached the CCP Complex. As we sat on the ledge framing the front of the cultural theater, I told Paul how lucky I am to have him.

The walk back to his place was another two kilometers. The leisurely pace let my mind calm down. As my hand rested in his, our hearts spoke words of love, and I felt at ease.

My first yoga session

This afternoon's yoga class was something I looked forward to all week. Urban Ashram Manila holds free yoga classes for beginners every Saturday, 2 pm, at the branch in Bristol, Pasig City. How perfect! I rent a space close to it, so now, I have no reason not to do it.

I was excited!

When Jo, the yoga teacher, came into the room and started speaking, I saw in her a kind and calm woman. Maybe that's what yoga does to you.

Because it's a class for beginners, Jo said our focus for the session was to learn how to breathe properly. She says what we're doing is Vinyasa, and it's all about moving along your breathing. The poses we're basic and simple along with being taught the proper breathing.

I love how there's no pressure for me (and for anyone) to be flexible. If the pose requires you to reach the floor but you still can't, it's okay. Inhale, exhale, Jo keeps on saying as we do each pose.

I still need work on balance and stability, but I love how my muscles are engaged in each of the poses. I love how the muscles at the back of my legs get stretched and stretched. It's a bit painful, but I love it. I love the stretch!

I also love how yoga will make my arms strong, because the idea is for us to be able to carry out own weight. And because in have scoliosis, yoga will also help me develop stronger back muscles.

What made me feel great after this afternoon's session was when one of my classmates told me this at the locker area:

Girl: Have you been doing yoga before?
Me: No. It's my first time ever.
Girl: Oh I thought you're already experienced.

What made her think that, I don't know. Maybe it's because of my straight back (It's a way of life hehehe). But whatever is her basis for sayin so, I'm thankful for her comment.

I can't wait for my next session. And I'm looking forward to all the things that I'm going to learn in yoga practice.

How I deal with my condition

Now that I've come out of my closet and told almost everyone about my mental condition, I can freely write about. Yey! I've been wanting to share my insights about depression and anxiety and dealing with a mild bipolar disorder, but I've been scared, until I wrote about it in my previous post. Messages of support from friends and family poured in, and I couldn't be more grateful.

So what's it like to have a mental condition? Do I get to live a "normal" life? Of course! I do. We do. We're not train wrecks all the time. In fact, some of the people I know who also have mental conditions are smart and talented that their gifts overflow and touch other people. A lot of people see me as cheerful, and I like cracking jokes, no matter how lame the punchline is. I love laughing with my friends. I love weekends, just like other people.

Now that I'm taking meds, I feel I am more in control of my emotions. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by them that I break down and cry or just stare into space, but when I can control them, I do things to calm myself down. Here they are:

1. Sing and draw strength from our songs. 
As a choir member, I get to be around people who also love to make music. Rehearsals can be stressful at times, especially when the songs are difficult or we have upcoming performances, but overall, the experience is uplifting and spiritually healthy. I find most of our songs articulating how I feel. When the songs have lyrics like "So anxious over countless things you cannot even name, be still and take my hand (from Let Me Be Your Stillness) and "Ang pagod kong diwa ay Iyong pahupain. Magdamag na pagtangis sana ay aliwin" (from Awit ng Pag-asam), I feel comforted. Being in a choir encourages me to pray, too, and I can feel His presence, and that comforts me.

2. Listen to my favorite songs (aside from the songs we sing in the choir). 
I love Taylor Swift. I'm a huge Tay Tay fan. I don't care what other people say about her or her personality. I love her songs. I love her music. And the lyrics of her songs also articulate how I feel. There's a Taylor Swift song for every stage of my life. And when I feel down or crappy or just in a bad mood, I put on my earphones and drown myself in her music. I love Ingrid Michaelson, too. And Mindy Gledhill. And The Script. And Boyce Avenue. And Kina Grannis. I have their songs in my computer, so I can listen to them any time, even when I'm working.

3. Talk it out with my significant other. 
I'm incredibly grateful that my boyfriend perfectly understands what I'm going through. He's a doctor, and although he's not a psychiatrist, he helps me deal with my roller coaster of emotions. I text or call him when I feel sad or miserable, even if it's because of no particular reason. Once, when I thanked him for his love and understanding, he told me all boyfriends should be like that, regardless if the guy is a doctor or not. And that's true. Find somebody who understands and is willing to be with you in this difficult journey. He or she doesn't have to be a boyfriend or a girlfriend. This person can be your best friend, or your sister or brother, or your closest pal in the office. If people judge you without an effort to understand you first, well, maybe these people don't deserve to be in your life. And you don't have to waste your time or effort running after them.

4. Jot down my thoughts in a notebook. 
I'm a writer, and this should be second nature to me, right? Not really. It took me quite a long time to finally do it. I was scared that if I write about my fears, the causes of my anxiety, my insecurity, and my feelings, they might become more real. And all the more they would transform into a monster that I had been trying to run away from. Only recently did I realize how powerful having a private journal can be. I started writing down my racing thoughts as a form of release. And I felt lighter afterwards. Now, I keep a small notebook and a pen with me all the time, so I can write whenever I want to and wherever I am.

5. Just let myself be. 
When I've tried all the aforementioned tips, and still I feel down, I just let myself be. Dealing with a mental illness made me realize that the more I wrestle with my emotions, the more it becomes difficult to deal with them. So sometimes, I just let myself be. If I'm sad for no reason, I pause, take deep breaths, and rest my mind. I don't try to make sense of it. I don't think about why I'm sad or down or anxious. I just let my emotions settle. And when I'm ready to deal with them, that's when I write on my journal, or listen to music, or call my significant other. And that's when I would feel better.

If you have mental conditions, too, or even if you don't have one but you're going through something as well, I hope you'll find the tips I shared helpful. If you need someone to talk to, just comment below. I'll be more than willing to reach out. Because as I've said in my previous post, we are not alone.