My depressive episodes are back. My antidepressant is back. And me? I feel like I'm back to zero.
I really thought (and believed!) that I was already getting better. My former psychiatrist thought so too, and that was why I've been off my antidepressant since January. I'm still taking my antipsychotic (Quetiapine) and anti-epileptic (Lamotrigine) on 300mg and 150mg doses, respectively, to help stabilize my mood. For six months, I believed I was getting better. But yesterday, I broke down.
It's because of my insecurities. Yesterday, during my therapy session, I was doing great. I was sharing with her what I wrote on my thought journal in the past three weeks. I was talking about my anxiety triggers. Everything was fine. But when we came across my entry about something that triggered my feelings of being insecure, I cried, and we dwelt on that during the rest of the session.
My psychiatrist wanted to make sure if I'm taking the right combination of meds. I stopped taking my antidepressant at 10mg. She was thinking that if we push my antidepressant a bit more---if I'd take 15mg instead of 10mg---I might get better. It might work. "I know it's an added cost," she said. "But let's try it."
Of course, I agreed. I am under her care, and she knows what's best for me. I asked her, though, if what I really have is bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist told me that my former psych (a good friend of hers) had his reasons for giving me that diagnosis. But now, she wants to make sure that I'm taking the right combination of meds. She wants to see if I would respond better to a higher dosage of antidepressant combined with my two other medicines.
I'll see her again in two weeks. Meanwhile, I'll keep writing on my thought journal and take my medicines as prescribed. Thank God for medicine samples; I have enough antidepressant tablets to last me for two weeks.