Downward spiral

Just when I thought I was getting better, it turned out, I wasn't. After a couple of weeks of feeling great, I'm now back in my more-than-depressed state. I'm a trainwreck. My anxiety attacks have been uncontrollable that I downed seven pills of tranquilizers to fall into a deep sleep. That combination of seven tranquilizers isn't high enough for someone to overdose. But it is an attempt, with the goal of falling into a deep sleep. I was expecting to wake up after 24 or maybe 48 hours, but after two hours, I woke up (surprised at my tolerance for the said medicine). I ate a sandwich as my late dinner. I needed to wash my face and brush my teeth but I couldn't walk straight, so someone had to accompany me to the bathroom. I then went back to sleep, and the following day, I woke up as if I had a hangover.

And it took only one trigger to send me into this dark place. One trigger. One person. One negligible person. One irrelevant person.

And now, I find myself going deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole. But it's not Wonderland I'm led to. It's Disasterland. And I'm still in Disasterland.

I've skipped two work days because of terrible depressive and anxiety attacks. I feel the weight of guilt. I feel the weight of sadness. I feel the weight of pain tearing my insides, so one night, I reached for my eyebrow razor and cut myself on my arm. Releasing pain through pain may sound ridiculous, but it actually works, until your skin cries blood.

My cuts aren't deep, and they're almost healed by now. But I am not yet back to my feeling-great state. I took two steps forward last month, but last week, I took five steps back. I'm now stuck in Disasterland. Friends and family have offered me support. Two of my friends even gave me "love offerings" in the form of teabags and a brand-new lipstick. I appreciate all their efforts. Everyone is pulling me up, but I can't bear to lift myself because of the weight on my shoulders.

This, too, shall pass. I know that. But when? I don't know. My psychiatrist has referred me to someone who can also offer me Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I need help to control my negative and destructive thinking patterns. I need help for me to realize that everything is not my fault. I need help to stop myself from thinking that I cause catastrophe on other people's lives. I need help with my self-esteem, too.

I need a lot of help, and I need all the help I can get. I pray to God especially when I'm in church that he extends me His healing hand. I believe the people around me--my doctor, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends--are His instruments in extending me His healing hand. I've lost sight of the light, but I don't need to bother myself with that as of the moment. I just need to be stable first before I can even think of feeling great again.