Seeing the light

After a couple of weeks of taking 50mg of Lamotrigine (in addition to 200mg of Quetiapine and 10mg of Escitalopram), I've started to feel better. Finally. I genuinely feel better.

I still find myself feeling sad or upset sometimes, but so far, I haven't slipped into the despondent and depressed levels in my mood spectrum. When I started taking Lamotrigine, I did feel mood dips and I got impatient because I thought that my new combination of meds isn't working. Again. But after several days, I felt lighter, and that's when I knew that I'm starting to feel better.

I do think it's not just the combination of three meds alone. I've been exercising regularly, twice a week, for an hour or so. I used to spend just 45 minutes each day for twice a week of exercise, so that's 90 minutes per week. But now, I'm hitting my quota of 120 minutes of moderate exercise per week. My psychiatrist took this as good news, and he recommended that I increase the intensity of my exercise.

Speaking of psychiatrist, my visit to his clinic last Tuesday went smoothly. It was the first time that I didn't cry at the clinic while recounting my moods and experiences over the past month. I told my psychiatrist how exercise makes me feel good and how I look forward to it every week. That having exercise buddies makes me enjoy it more. That friends of mine (who don't know each other) send me messages. Some of these are messages of support, while some are of inquiry because they, too, are experiencing dips and anxiety and they feel they need help. Some of my friends also message me to share their troubles or problems that they think I would understand but other people would judge them for.

I appreciate all these messages. It makes me think that I'm doing something good. It's not that I I feel like a superhero or something. No. What I mean is that I'm able to be there for someone else even if I have issues of my own. That I'm able to create light out of a dark experience. All these make me feel good.

I hope I continue to improve, especially now that my psychiatrist is also seeing that I'm getting better. He started to wean me from Escitalopram (my antidepressant), lowering the dose to 5mg from 10mg. I asked if I would still take 200mg of Quetiapine, and he said yes. We'll deal with the meds one at a time.  But for now, I'm happy. After several months of being in a dip, I'm starting to see the light. Even it's just a flicker at the end of a dark tunnel, this light will guide me to where I should be.