Inner tension

I am angry, and I think I am exploding.

I'm not known to release anger in public. I've always done it in the privacy of my room, crying for hours and even throwing and breaking things. And I've never felt so much rage in my life, until now.

What am I angry about? Frankly, I don't what exactly. Or maybe I do. I just can't admit it to everybody. I feel this inner tension escalating to anger then going back to inner tension is a buildup of all the negative emotions I've been filled with in the past months. I've been in a depressive episode, but now, the clouds of sadness have drifted, only to be replaced by rolling thunder of anger. Thunderstorms everywhere. Emotional meltdowns at the most inopportune time. In our office bathroom. At the park last night when I jogged. In the arms of my boyfriend. Maybe I still am in a depressive episode.

Is this normal? I don't know. I don't even know what's normal anymore, but I believe this doesn't make what I'm feeling less valid. I am human, and my fragile heart can't take so much tension. I need a form of release.

Since the start of 2016, I've developed a regular exercise schedule. I love it. I love moving, and I think exercise has done me good. There are days when I feel good, thanks to my endorphin reserves. I thought this will last. But I was wrong. I've once again plunged into darkness.

I am taking a new medicine together with those that I have already been taking. I want them to work. I need them to work, especially now that I am actively doing something to get myself out of my depressive episode. Sometimes, I sound so desperate and I feel helpless. But only time can tell me if I'm improving. I need to be patient, even on days when I feel so bad.

I don't know how long I will be feeling this inner tension. In the meantime, I'll just exercise more, hoping to increase my endorphin reserves and prevent myself from drowning in all this negativity.

Mood spectrum

If I'm going to describe how my moods change from good to bad, I'm going to use what I call my mood spectrum. Here's how it goes:

Train wreck---Depressed---Despondent---Sad---Upset---Okay---Good---Great---Happy

Okay is my neutral mood. While making this mood spectrum, I've noticed that I have a lot of moods on the negative end, while on the positive end, it's just three. Maybe it's because I feel down most of the time and this being down has varying degrees and intensity. But whenever I don't feel down, I just feel okay and not really happy or in high spirits. Whenever I do feel I'm in high spirits, it rarely lasts the entire day.

Last week, I had two consecutive good days, and then, last Friday, anxiety kicked in and I felt myself slipping. I went from okay to upset to sad, but hey, I didn't go to the despondent level. For me, that's an achievement, and after I calmed down, I felt proud of myself.

I've only thought about creating this mood spectrum minutes before writing this entry. It was an idea that just popped in my mind, and I felt I needed to share this. For us, people with bipolar disorder, sometimes, it's hard to articulate what we're feeling because our moods change at a snap of a finger. Some of us go through rapid cycling, while some of us get depressed for a long time.

I think by creating this mood spectrum, I'll be able to qualify how down I feel or how good I feel. This will help me monitor what levels I'm slipping into, or if I'm on the positive side, what levels I'm climbing to. And perhaps, this will help me feel better for good--the less frequent I slip into the "depressed" and "train wreck" levels, the more progress I'm making, and in time, I'll be climbing to the positive side. And maybe, by then, I'll be able to add more moods to the positive side of my mood spectrum.

How about you? What mood level are you in? How do you feel right now?

Good days

There are dark days, gray days, and days when I just feel at the bottom of a deep well. But there are also good days. Just like today.

My emotions such as sadness, guilt, frustration, and insecurity are often extreme, especially in the last few months. I've tried swinging my pendulum of moods to the other end of the spectrum, but it doesn't budge. The pendulum just stays at the negative end.

Until today, I haven't had a good day. By good, I mean no dark thoughts, no insecurity, and things are okay. I woke up at a decent hour this morning and ate a proper breakfast. My morning routine wasn't rushed. I even had enough time to pack my clothes for our staff photo shoot today. I wasn't late for work.

My mood started to get better when I was being glammed up for the shoot. Don't judge me, but I love it when I'm having hair and makeup done. Especially makeup. I love beauty. It may sound shallow to some, but an excellently applied makeup can really boost a girl's confidence, like what it does to mine.

Then, good vibes just lingered everywhere--while eating lunch at the studio, during the group and solo shots, and at the office when we went back. I felt light and easy breezy.

I capped my day with moderate exercise. I walked around the neighborhood, jogged a bit, did exercises in place, and walked again. I love it when my cheeks feel warm after exercising.

Now, I'm off to bed. I don't know if tomorrow will be as good as today. I don't know when I will have another good day such as today. But at least, I got to have one.