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Thursday, June 1, 2017

Someone I don't recognize

I am doing better. On my last visit to Dr. G, she reduced my dosage of Lamotrigine further. From 100mg, I am now taking 50mg a day until all my Lamotrigine tablets are consumed. I am still taking 150mg of Quetiapine and 15mg of Escitalopram. On my next visit, our goal is to reduce my dosage of Quetiapine if I continue to do better.

Dark clouds no longer surround me like before. I no longer plunge into a depressive state for a long time. I should be happy with this development, right? I am. But somehow, I find this new state a bit bothersome. This is my new normal, and I am not used to it. I have been plagued by depression almost my whole life (although I did not know it back then as I had not yet been diagnosed). Now that I am getting out of it, I feel different.

Sometimes, I look for that gloomy but familiar feeling. The kind that connects me to my core. The kind that allows me to feel any emotion so deeply that it becomes carved onto my soul. Now, the familiar gloom is gone, and I find myself adjusting to it.

Don't get me wrong. These are improvements that I welcome with open arms. It's just that at times, I feel that I have a new self. That this is the new me.

And then, something bad happens. Something stings. Someone hurts me. The universe throws me something that I can handle. I start crying. The familiar gloom is back. The pain. The dark cloud. Only then will I realize that I am still my fragile self, easily broken, capable of intense emotions. Then, I will wish again that I am not any of those.