This moment is one of those when I don't know which is better: bury myself in work or drown myself in tears. I can't even describe how exactly I'm feeling.
One way of putting it is to say that I'm spiraling in and out of a dark place. I've been spiraling in and out of a depressed state, and when I'm out of it, I'm not happy. I'm not filled with joy. Instead, when sadness takes a break from pestering me, fear and anxiety take its place. It's as if I can only juggle these three emotions.
The worse comes when I'm not juggling them, because that means I'm feeling them all at once. I feel sad, scared, and anxious all at once. Do you know how that feels? It's torture. It's eating my soul alive, and I can't move. I have no energy for things I used to do. For things I love. For things I'm passionate about. Heck, I can't even get out of bed.
I lose a part of myself in the process. The things I love are the very things that define me, so when I'm not doing them, it's as if I'm not me. It's not me to just hide from my responsibilities. It's not me to be away for quite a long time from activities I love. It's not me to do nothing.
And yet, that's all I can do. Nothing. The more I try to fight my inner demon, the more it grows stronger. The more I try to make myself feel better, the more I feel miserable. The more effort I put into getting our of this hole, the deeper I sink into it. It's like quicksand--the more I struggle to get out, the more it pulls me down, until I finally sink and drown.
If I let myself pause and be still, I'm worried about what other people will think of me. They might hate me, despise me. They might not accept me anymore when I become ready to "go back to normal." That when I'm ready to come back, I might not have something I can come back to.
I messaged my friend (who also has the same struggles as I have) earlier, and asked for her help. I shared with her this battle, and she advised me to let go. Just let go and not feel guilty about how I'm feeling right now. Just let go not necessarily to feel better and lighter after. Whether I feel better or not, it doesn't matter. I just have to let go.
And that's what I'm trying to do. Let go. Breathe in, breathe out. I can hear the calm voice of my yoga teacher: "Concentrate on your breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Think of nothing else. Put it aside. Inhale. Exhale." And that's all I can do for now.