I've held onto this belief for a very long time. Until I saw that my lower abdomen seems to be getting bigger and that I am gaining weight.
No, I am not pregnant or anything. Just getting...fat? Am I getting fat?
I don't live a sedentary lifestyle. I walk a lot. I jog when I can. I don't drink sodas, but I love eating carbs because I feel weak without them. I eat what I want with confidence because I know I will be able to burn those calories. I eat fruits, and I drink green tea especially when I ate a lot.
But last week, when I was trying out swimsuits because I wanted to buy a new one, I saw that I didn't fit into my regular size anymore. My size in this particular swimming and sportswear brand is large (they have small sizes), but now, it isn't. I am now an XL.
It's not supposed to be a big deal. After all, the jump from large to XL isn't really a big one. But I am worried, and my number one reason for being so isn't even health-related. It is this: Z leans on the chubby side, and I don't want to look like her. I don't want to be like her.
Now, brace yourself for another Z-related post.
I've written before that I am no longer as insecure of Z as I was before. That I have learned to love and appreciate myself more. But now, I am afraid that I will be chubby like her, I don't want that. I want to be the prettier and slimmer one.
I sound ridiculous, yes? I think so, too. But I can't help it. And I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe I'm feeling this.
My bf PM and I decided to cut back on our rice and junkfood intake this year. We'll still eat rice (of course!), but we'll say no to a second cup. We also vowed to consume less chips and go for peanuts instead when watching movies. And we will exercise more (we do jog at least once a week. We'll keep that up and add more activities to our exercise routine.
PM keeps on telling me that I am not like Z and that I do not look like her. And that I won't be as chubby as she is. And that I am prettier. But again, when I look at myself in the mirror, I am inclined to believe otherwise. I look huge next to my petite sister, even when she told me that it's because my bones are bigger than hers. I am a bit taller, too. I have wider hips and bigger thighs and calves.
This seems petty compared to what I have been through with my depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. But I guess this falls into one of the cognitive distortions I am guilty of having. I don't know which one though.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel bad about myself just because I am not (or no longer am) skinny. Ultimately, I should exercise and eat right because I want to be healthy. I should do it for myself and not because I don't want to be like Z (in fact, Z shouldn't be in the picture anymore). No one is complaining about my weight or my figure. I am the only one. So why should it be an issue?