What type are you?

A friend once told me that he didn't see me as the type who listens to Paramore (he didn't mean anything bad by this, by the way. It was just an honest observation :) ). He said he pegged me as more of a Taylor Swift fan. Well, I am a Taylor Swift fan, a Demi Lovato fan, AND a Paramore fan.

A classmate back in college once told me that she didn't think I am the type who throws and breaks things when angry. Well, I am. In a fit of rage, whenever my dad and I would fight, I would break almost anything that I touched. I had broken almost everything that was on my desk in my room at home. In a fit of rage, I even broke plastic storage boxes, which were supposed to be unbreakable. I once threw my cellphone across my room. Good thing it didn't break.

When another friend learned that I'm dealing with bipolar disorder and depression, she told me she didn't see me as the type who would have these struggles. For her, I am a jolly person. Which I am. I can exchange jokes with people. I can talk to people at events. I can introduce a friend to my other friends and professional contacts and make them talk to each other and exchange contact information. She meant it as a compliment, and I took it as such.

But looks, as they say, can be deceiving. Not everyone who wears a smile has rays of sunshine inside. In my case, I do wear a smile. I have sunny days. But I have a lot of rainy days, stormy days, days when everything feels like a tornado. Most of the time, my soul feels like it's in an eternal winter solstice--nights are long and dark while days are short. And on those nights, there's no moon or any star in sight. It's just plain, black darkness.

There are times when dark thoughts linger in my mind. Sometimes, these thoughts are about what it would be like when I'm gone from this world. And then, I'd feel scared because I'm afraid of death itself. I still want to live. But aside from this, other dark thoughts also linger in my mind, thoughts that aren't as dangerous as death but are just as powerful in pulling me down. When I think and feel that I am inadequate, when I think and feel that there's nothing "special" in what I do because everybody else can do it anyway, I feel down. It's as if I am not doing enough.

This plain, black darkness keeps me up at night. Without my meds, I won't be able to sleep. That's why it was I and my cousin (who was studying law and who was comfortable reading at night) who worked the "night shift" during our grandmother's wake. Our parents and aunts would sleep at night, while my cousin and I would stay awake. Then I would take my meds by 2 or 3 am when one of the grown-ups was ready to continue the "shift."

This is insomnia, and this is not healthy. Insomnia got me through college, when 24 hours isn't enough to finish all my academic requirements and things I had to do for my college org. I was able to survive with just four hours of sleep, or even less, daily. But this isn't a healthy way to live. And when you're dealing with psychiatric conditions, it is best to have a regular sleeping schedule, as advised by my boyfriend who is a doctor.

When I still wasn't seeking treatment, and dark and sad thoughts would occupy my mind, I would cry for no reason. This would probably come as no surprise to other people because it is pretty much an established fact that I am the type who cries a lot. I am the type who cries at movies even if the movie is a jolly, animated film. I am the type who cries when I feel cornered. I am the type who cries because I easily get hurt. I am the type who cries and breaks down when filled with overwhelming sadness or anger or rage. But people never saw me as the type who would have a psychiatric condition.

Once, when I bought my meds at one of the leading drugstores in the country, the pharmacy assistant told me that I didn't look like I am taking those meds. He probably meant it as a compliment, but anger and disappointment and sadness did cartwheels in my mind so fast that I wasn't able to process what I was really feeling at that moment. I just smiled and let out a short "haha" then left. Because really, what is someone who's dealing with psychiatric issues supposed to look like? Who or what is the type who has these conditions? And when you're a pharmacy assistant handing out medicines to anyone who's afflicted with any kind of illness, shouldn't you just keep these types of opinions to yourself?

This made me realize that we really have a lot of work to do to raise awareness about mental health issues. It's still a taboo. We can't talk about it openly. A lot of people are still afraid to step forward and tell a friend or someone else that they're dealing with something invisible, something dark, something that cannot be explained. Even I didn't tell a soul when I first sought treatment. Then slowly, I opened up to a few people, until I started writing about it here in my blog last November.

This is the type of issue that we should be talking about. It's not the type of issue that we can just sweep under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's not the type of issue that only a few people should care about.

So the next time someone tells me that I am not the type who has a psychiatric condition, I'll politely tell that person that psychiatric conditions don't have a particular face. They have no specific look. But we can do something specific about them, and that is to seek professional help.

Iced Gem Biscuits

One of the things that remind me of my childhood is this: a pack of Iced Gem Biscuits.

They're tiny biscuits decorated with solid icing on top. They're sweet, and I loved munching on them when I was young. I guess the fancy look of each biscuit makes them so appealing, especially to little kids.

Whenever I chance upon a pack of Iced Gem Biscuits in one of the food places at the ground floor of our office building, I take the opportunity to buy one and reminisce the days when I was little - days marked by playing with my dolls and tau-tauhans (toy people) when school is out and reading storybooks at night.

Other junkfood snacks that I enjoyed when I was a kid were the tiny, football-shaped Goya chocolates, Serg's chocolate bars, that P1 lollipop whose brand I can't recall (I'm not even sure if it has a brand), Zip orange juice that are placed inside triangular cartons, Hansel cookie sandwich, and Tivoli ice cream. Now, only Hansel cookie sandwich is sold in groceries and sari-sari (variety) stores. The tiny Goya chocolates have evolved into Goya chocolate bars, which are also yummy, but I miss the bite-size, football-shaped ones. I miss Tivoli ice cream. I miss licking that cheap lollipop (I loved the strawberry flavor). I miss being a kid.

Good thing I get to munch on Iced Gem Biscuits once in a while. And Hansel cookie sandwich, too (I love the mocha flavor). They make me feel like a kid again, and it's really good to feel that once in a while.

How about you? What reminds you of your childhood?

Glimpse of My '90s: The Cranberries

While I was in poetry drought in the past two weeks, I've been reliving my childhood through some '90s music. It was Aqua at the start of the week, then it became The Cranberries that gave me a major LSS (Last Song Syndrome). It started when my dearest posted a music video of one of their songs, Linger, on my Facebook wall. Then, I looked for the music video of my favorite Cranberries song.



That's Ode To My Family. Well, to be honest, I didn't know that its title was Ode To My Family. All I knew was that it was a song that starts with "doo doo doo doo...". Haha! Thanks to Youtube, I was able to find the music video and learn about the title as well. Haha!

I remember we had a cassette tape of The Cranberries (woohooo a cassette tape!). My dad would play it on Sunday mornings (that is, if my memory is right). Back then, I couldn't understand the lyrics. I really suck at deciphering lyrics even up to now. But despite that, I like the song; the vocalist Dolores O'Riordan's voice is clear and beautiful, and the song's melody is great for chilling out. And now that I already know the lyrics, the song has another plus for me.

When I was I think in fourth or fifth grade, we attended a talk about backward masking. The Cranberries was one of the bands mentioned in the talk. The speaker said their songs had evil messages. I couldn't remember if the speaker pointed out a specific song. Maybe it was their song Zombie.



That's evil? I don't think so. I did some Googling about the song. It's a protest song meant to criticize the bombing in Warrington, Cheshire in 1993.

The Cranberries have other great songs. I like Linger and Just My Imagination, too. So I'm going to end this post here, look for their songs online (I couldn't find the cassette tape anymore. Haha!), and enjoy listening to them.

Another photo with friends

Rummaging through my now neglected Friendster account weeks ago led me to this photo:

From Left: Me, Irene, and Alariz

The two girls who are with me in the photo are among my closest friends. In my high school barkada (group of friends), we are six, as I've mentioned in this post, but when all six of us aren't together, I'm with these two. We call ourselves The Fates, named after the trio in Greek Mythology who decide man's destiny. I can't remember why we chose to name our trio after them. I guess we were having a hangover from our literature classes when we came up with this name.

I seriously miss these two. They weren't with us when Monica, one of my friends, came for a visit last December, and we met in Trinoma, along with two of my other friends, Jessica and Maita. We all have different schedules that's why planning a meet up is difficult. Hardly all of us are free at the same time. One or two are bound to be not available.

This photo was taken on February 14, 2005, Valentine's Day on our senior year during the school's Bandfest. It was a night full of good music, groove to the beat, singing with the bands, and simply having fun. We didn't have a prom (even up to now, our school doesn't hold proms), but a night like Bandfest was just as memorable. We got to set aside our academic worries for a while, don our most comfortable attire, and dance the night away with our precious friends - people we would surely miss after graduation, like how I miss them right now.

= = =

I would like to thank Furree Katt for giving me this award:



That's so sweet of you. You made my day. :D Thank you!

Conditions of accepting award:

1. Thank and put a link back to the person who so kindly gave this award.
2. Share a few things about yourself.
3. Pass the award onto some mighty fine bloggers.
4. Inform these mighty fine bloggers that they have received the award.

So here are a few things about myself:
1. My favorite ice cream flavor is cookies and cream. Next to that is mango. I don't like chocolate ice cream. I eat that flavor, too, but it doesn't count as among my favorites. It's too sweet.

2. I love Rugrats. My favorite character is Angelica even if she's mean to the other babies. She just has a strong personality, and she's smart. :)

3. I drink lots of water. I can't eat a meal without at least two glasses.

4. I'm not fond of wearing sneakers or rubber shoes. Give me flats or sandals anytime.

5. I would love to go to Paris and London someday. But before I visit those places, I want to go on a tour in my own country first, then Asia. Now if only I could have all that travel money in an instant... hehehe

Now, it's time to give this award to other bloggers. These bloggers never fail to show the beauty and goodness of life in their posts. And for that, congratulations to:

Al Ain City Daily Photo

Chase Beautiful Things

Jingle

i♥PD

Portia Silva

Toilet Thoughts of a toxic mind

Congratulations! And to everyone, have a great week ahead! :)

Bad vibes and cleaning and stationery

I wasn't feeling sunshiney today (translate: I was in a bad mood). I wasn't irritated at anyone or anything in particular. Maybe I was just tired plus this time of the month only we girls have messed up my mood. So with nothing better to do, I decided to clean my room.

It was a continuation of my cleaning/de-cluttering project which I started two Saturdays ago. To be organized in my room is one of my New Year's resolution (the other one is waking up when the alarm rings, but apparently, this is SO hard to do). I filled a 56 L rectangular plastic box with my college and high school clutter while thinking, "Why the heck are these still with me?"

I tend to be a pack rat. I keep stuff for sentimental reasons and because I keep on thinking they might be of use to me one day. Obviously, they weren't of any use except to eat up precious shelf space in my small bedroom. So I got rid of them - school notebooks, readings (a big WHY THE HECK AM I STILL HOLDING ON TO THEM!), the planners I used before, school projects - and said hello to a cleaner, more organized bedroom. I wouldn't post a photo of my bedroom here because it's not photogenic hehehe.

As I was de-cluttering this afternoon, I found some cute stationery that I used to collect when I was a kid. I remember spending the money I got from ninongs and ninangs, winning parlor games, and performing a song or dance number during Christmas on stationery because they're the only ones I could afford. Then, I would write notes on them - notes I would exchange with my cousins or friends in school. Over time, I used up those stationery, but here are the ones that are still with me:


I got them from Gift Gate, and they cost P6.50 to P7.50 each. The papers inside those envelopes are square (except for the third one from left, which are round) and they bear the same design as the envelopes containing them. They're so cute! :D I remember having quite a lot of Sanrio stationery before. It's good to know I didn't use them all up and managed to keep a few.

Another cute find is this:


I think I bought this in SM Supplies when I was a high school freshman. Or maybe when I was in sixth grade. I couldn't remember the exact year. Anyway, this pad carries 50 sheets with 50 different designs. The sheets have already been greatly depleted primarily because of the letters I wrote for my classmates during recollections and retreats. A few still remain, and I don't mind using them all up for another letter I will write.

I still have this penchant for stationery. I still smile whenever I see pretty ones while resisting the urge to buy them. But there are some that are quite tempting to buy, like this:

I bought this at Swell Stuff for P60. Even if the sheets are nothing but colored papers, the feminine and romantic cover design caught me. Also, Paris is one of the places I want to see before I die, and the Eiffel Tower is like calling on me. Hehehe.

So there. Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I really have this urge to clean or de-clutter. Maybe it's because I don't have to think of anything while doing that (except for where to put what). I just have to use my hands and rugs - a damp one and two dry ones. And a broom and dust pan, of course. Cleaning kind of releases bottled up tension, with all that wiping and sweeping. But what eventually painted a smile on my face is this:

From my dearest. Thank you :)

True friends are rare

Even if Friendster had been overtaken by Facebook in terms of usage and popularity, I still did not delete my Friendster account. I thought of deleting it already to stop stalkers from finding me since I'm more active in Facebook anyway, but I didn't. And that was a good thing, because if I did, I wouldn't have found this:

From left: (standing) Maita, Irene; (sitting) Monica, Me, Alariz;
(not in the photo) Jessica

That's my high school barkada. The photo was taken during our senior year, shot at Heights Studio, which was a stone's throw away from our school, St. Theresa's College Quezon City.

I don't believe in the "best friend" label. It connotes that there is just one friend that stands out among the rest of your friends. But what if there's none who stands out, because your friends are equally dear to you? Each of them has a unique characteristic that makes her different from the rest of your friends, but it doesn't mean she's your best. Instead of having a best friend, I'd rather have a close bunch which I call true friends. Best friend ties may be severed throughout the years because of distance, but the thread that binds you to your true friends will not.

My friends in the photo (and Jessica) are the ones I talked about in this post. A huge chunk of my high school memories includes mornings, recess, lunch breaks, and phone conversations with them. Add to that are the outbound trips and other out-of-school activities which I'm sure we would reminisce with a smile over tea and pastries after decades, when we become grown women, successful in our chosen fields.

I had the chance to see Monica, Maita, and Jessica last December when Monica came here from Australia for a visit. We no longer look nene, and we've matured. But as friends, we're still the same - never putting each other down, happy for the things that make each of us happy. It might take us another year to see each other again, or it might again be difficult for us to arrange a date when all of us are free. But until then, we will take comfort in the fact that we are each other's true friends, and neither time nor distance can change that.